At one firm I consulted with, this was true to a precarious extent. The best way to test whether or not you have an inclination to over-help is to turn inward and take a hard look at your own mind. Ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly:. If you answered yes to all of the above, or feel concerned about this topic, you may need to consider doing some deeper work to identify where and how you might have fused your sense of identity with giving others help in the first place.
The greatest helpers set clear expectations from the outset. To be a great helper, you must be willing to let those you help suffer the consequences of their own choices when they fall short.
Adhering to clear, mutual accountabilities makes success a shared outcome. The consulting and coaching professions have been appropriately criticized for having economic models that incent extending revenue streams after clients no longer need them.
Similarly, leaders often feel insecure about the talents of those they lead surpassing them. But the fundamental reason behind any coaching relationship is to help the other person realize improvement.
Similarly, the greatness of a leader can be measured by their willingness to let others outshine them. Cultivating dependency only makes the other person weaker, even if it temporarily makes you feel powerful. To avoid this, helpers should measure progress against defined objectives for improvement. Likewise, many leaders avoid giving hard feedback to dodge conflict. Followers trust leaders that deliver hard messages in respectful, caring ways.
They speak in condescending dogma and bark declarations. Both avoidant and bully helpers reach the same outcome — keeping those they help in need of them. Very nice article, Nea! The parenting example is perfect, and one of my biggest gripes about this generation. That way, when they are adults, they can start living completely on their own. Hi there Tom. I love your comment. It is sad to see parents do their kids such a grave disservice in the name of love.
As a mother, I know how difficult it can be to draw that line; but you just have to constantly remind yourself of the greater good. Knowing when you are enabling someone vs being genuinely helpful is hard to judge at times. This is where I am at. But I was to stop helping in a situation that is not improving. One of the red flags that I am helping the wrong way is that I get resisted. Gone too far if they are getting defensive. Hi Nea, This is a really smart, well written article.
Enabling is dangerous on so many levels. When we enable to the point where others expect it of us, it is a struggle to change that dynamic with the other person. Thanks so much for your knowledge! Hi Dandy. I really appreciate your comment. This is one of the best blogs I read in a while.
I have a fair idea of I have done and still do this myself from time to time. I have a great belief in self empowerment.
This mainly comes from hating being told what to do by others. I like to make up my own mind, but that still requires a reminder from time to time! Thank you! Hi Marty. What a great comment. There are definitely those people who are perpetual enablers.
Enabling others is their way of controlling, or attempting to control, the world around them. I do think that seeing people at their best can become a problem. I think it is important to relate to them where they are — especially when someone is in pain. Hi Evan. I truly mean that others benefit when you hold a better picture of them than the one they hold of themselves. An example is a person who feels incapable and unworthy. Enabling is definitely dangerous. The sad thing is that more people actually enable than actually help.
I believe that a person has to be willing to help himself, otherwise any type of help will be futile. Enabling is frustrating, counterproductive, and of course unhelpful. Sometimes doing what seems right is wrong, and can cause harm.
The only counter to it is knowledge, wisdom and forethought. I love how you differentiate between helping and enabling. It is critical to our lives that we be aware of the difference. Teach him to fish and you feed him for life. I believe that life is a series of lessons that we have to learn. If we do not learn a particular lesson, we will not have the wisdom to progress to greater lessons. Therefore, how we help someone can affect the way they learn a lesson.
Thus when it comes to helping, we must be very careful about the way we help, our own motives and to think ahead to see the consequences of our actions. Good intentions can indeed cause the greatest harm. Furthermore, I believe that an enabler will realize he is the one who needs help if he truly analyzes the deep motives behind the enabling behavior. This is what A LOT of nonprofit organizations need to hear. We need to help people on a path to self sustainability in order to achieve a society that is skilled, sufficient, and happier.
Hi Cher. I definitely think we need non-profit organizations, but the efforts are wasted if they stop at financial donations. Education and empowerment are key. Thank you :. Great idea Farouk. Writing about helping others is one way of doing just that…helping others.
On the contrary I think that is very often the case. You hit on some very important and sometimes very touchy points here. I look forward to your future posts. Because it requires ones to look at themselves as you so aptly brought out. So who wants to do this? All the same, the article brings out need to know facts for ones who want to break the cycle. We appreciate your article. I was blessed by being surrounded by a strong, loving, supportive group of women in my family, and those lessons taught by them, have served me well in my nearly 50 years.
One lesson which has served me well over the years was on offering advice or assistance. To conitnued, they believed, only makes you an enabler, which is detrimental not only to the person you are trying to help, but to yourself as well. When I have applied this in my life, very often others see me as impatient or cold, and while their views can sting, I have seen with my own eyes how enabling some individuals, has no end game.
If I had the means I would help in a more supportive way and empower her to do something positive with herself. What advice do you have if any?
Thank you. I realized that I was enabling instead of helping. Good luck. This is very interesting and i understand much of it however I would like to know more. I have some questions as I feel that the human condition needs connection for fear of further individuation and it is important to offer support, generosity and kindness without dis-abling any one. I caution the writers to be mindful of the potential of creating a state of paralysis in their reader around giving assistance, support or generosity of being part of the greater whole of humanity through connection.
So lets be generous of spirit in all that we try to achieve in our lives in partnership with those we live, love, work and play with and realise that nothing is perfect but it is important to stop outside ourselves and connect with others in positive uplifting albeit at times slightly imperfect ways and that is how we learn and develop as individuals and evolve humanity.
Big difference in the psyche of both individuals. Thank you for making this so simple to understand. I love the questions. I went to therapy for years for enabling and this article makes it so clear. I am happy to say that I have recently passed the test, meaning, I am finally able to recognize the difference and stop myself… most of the time.
This is a beautiful article : Its inspired me a lot and has helped me think beyond myself and seriously introspect. Thank you so much for the eye opener : God Bless you. The article was very informative. My friend has dyslexia. They tell you that you should help people unconditionally and when they least expect it. None of that is, of course, wrong. However, there is a flip side to every coin. And it is essential not to mask the other half of the impact of any such gesture. Not everything is bad.
Same as, not everything is good. There is the good in bad. And there is the bad in good. And here are the 3 cases where I personally stopped helping people and recommend that you should too: 1. We were taught helping people is the right thing to do. You need to unlearn this popular belief. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
I realize how difficult it is to run a start-up, I run one myself. However, I have stopped offering my knowledge for free. Now I simply tell people my hourly rate and take out my Square. People take me more seriously. If someone cannot afford my advice, I usually give them another way to compensate for it. Rule 1: Never offer anything for free. Rule 2: Never forget Rule 1. If they cannot afford you, ask for a free booth, time to promote your business or maybe free tickets to the conference.
It will show whether they are serious about having you be present at their conference. People will always try to exploit you if you allow them to.
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